Had another long break, being over a month late. I have had two invites to go for a cervical smear test (ok, I confess, the first one was six months ago) and keep putting off booking the appointment, thinking that I don't want to book it and then have my period start. I have been feeling more and more weary over the last few months. I have no way of knowing if this is a menopausal symptom or just something to do with getting older. I used to be able to come home from work and do other stuff. Mainly now I come home and sit, maybe knit or blog browse, but just sit, until dinner time, and then sit some more. Or maybe it is just lethargy and I should pull myself together. And spots. Lots of them. And skin irritation. And putting on weight. Not a lot, just enough to notice that I really can't wear my old work trousers because the waist is now restrictive to actual breathing and movement. I have had a pretty steady weight since I was a teenager, only really varying by about half a stone or so, so I can tell when it is changing.
The thing that has really struck me is that I no longer feel broody when I see small babies. I remember so vividly the urge to reproduce, the craving to have and hold a tiny baby. The intoxication of the smell and the touch. The pleasure in being pregnant and anticipation of the arrival. And I used to worry that I would go on feeling like that, that the idea of another child would sit at the back of my mind and preoccupy me, and fill me with regret. But it's gone. No yearning whatsoever. I get warm, cosy, grandmotherly sensations about the idea of babies. And to tell you the truth I am pretty relieved.
(Picture, Beech forest by Gustav Klimt, just because it is one of my favourite paintings)
