welcome back?

69 days. Just when I was getting used to the idea, it's back, no apologies, no excuses. Waltzed right in and settled down as if it'd never been away. I tried ignoring it, hoping it would go away. I want it to leave again ... I mean, things will never be the same ... why doesn't it stop dithering around and just go. But it has this nasty nagging, insistent, persistent quality that won't leave you alone. All the pain and discomfort and none of the perks of fertility. This is really the trouble with this whole thing. You are neither one thing nor the other. It's a kind of no-woman's-land between abundant earth mother and wizened old hag.

Not welcome exactly, simply a return to normality.

I don't think I ever experienced the welcome relief that I know can follow the dread of a pregnancy scare ... because I was never scared of being pregnant. I was far too careful. Tediously so. I spent years wishing for the random accident of falling pregnant on the pill, because I was too afraid to risk doing it on purpose. I wanted the decision taken out of my hands so I didn't have to feel guilty and irresponsible.

Feeling wistful and nostalgic, ignore me.

the test

So Creature and I popped in to Quality Save and invested 89p on a pregnancy test this afternoon. I needed a lift, and we giggled round the shop and joked about her standing looking ashamed while I payed for it. I read the instructions very carefully, and find that menopause can cause unreliable results, but they don't say if that might be false positive or false negative. And also that all sorts of unpleasant other things, like breast cancer, can result in a false positive.

Thankfully the result was an unequivocal negative ... the little red line you can see shows that the test worked properly, and there would be a second line if you have a raised whatever hormone level.

It is now 53 days. My period came for half a day and then disappeared again. I think I needed to just do this to stop myself having silly thoughts about babies.

49 days

Just for the record.

When checking out symptoms the NHS site is the most reassuring, because in America it seems they get 34 different symptoms or even 44! I am so not looking forward to losing my teeth, hair and sex drive, but the idea of a burning tongue just sounds intriguing. It is almost funny it is so hysterical (no pun intended). I thought the medicalisation of childbirth was bad ... it seems the same thing goes for menopause.