69 days. Just when I was getting used to the idea, it's back, no apologies, no excuses. Waltzed right in and settled down as if it'd never been away. I tried ignoring it, hoping it would go away. I want it to leave again ... I mean, things will never be the same ... why doesn't it stop dithering around and just go. But it has this nasty nagging, insistent, persistent quality that won't leave you alone. All the pain and discomfort and none of the perks of fertility. This is really the trouble with this whole thing. You are neither one thing nor the other. It's a kind of no-woman's-land between abundant earth mother and wizened old hag.
Not welcome exactly, simply a return to normality.
I don't think I ever experienced the welcome relief that I know can follow the dread of a pregnancy scare ... because I was never scared of being pregnant. I was far too careful. Tediously so. I spent years wishing for the random accident of falling pregnant on the pill, because I was too afraid to risk doing it on purpose. I wanted the decision taken out of my hands so I didn't have to feel guilty and irresponsible.
Feeling wistful and nostalgic, ignore me.
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